


Smoke

by Ashitawo



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Matsumoto Jun has the patience of a saint, Sakurai Sho is bad at feelings, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 11:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15118295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashitawo/pseuds/Ashitawo
Summary: Sakurai Sho steps onto the roof one summer evening to smoke and starts down a path of accepting himself.





	Smoke

**Author's Note:**

> This monster has been a WIP since 2011 and I’m so excited to finally have it finished and out in the world! To those of you who had to listen to me whine about it thank you so much for your patience, also there is implied rape/non con but nothing graphic. 
> 
>  
> 
> For Son, thank you for being the loudest supporter since I told you I was working on it :D

You light the cigarette, breathing in slowly, wondering when exactly you picked it up. Surely you had before twenty and look at you now, 36 and unwary of the world. You think back, trying to remember the exact moment, and middle school with a senpai comes to mind but it must have been later when the habit really started.

Maybe you should quit, it would make some fangirls happy, but its habit much like Nino grabbing at Ohno is a habit, happening right before you know it. In a way you think it’s your replacement for a normal life. A slower life; one where you don’t have to cram things into every second of the day so you don’t notice the vast emptiness in your heart. One where you followed your father’s footsteps and became a politician, a life where your grandparents were proud of you. A life where you could love indiscriminately, passionately, and openly; not one where you had to hide every tryst under the glow of the moon.

You take another puff.

It’s not even that you’re unhappy or unfulfilled; it’s just that when the cameras stop and your members go home,  your heart starts to ache so you step out on the roof of the office and smoke. You watch as the smoke rises up towards the darken sky, how the lights of Tokyo make seeing the stars nearly impossible. You picture your members in the white vans driving home, and send all your well wishes to them and hope that they manage to rest. You sigh, raking your hands through your hair, before settling your hands over your ears, listening to the ocean running in your veins and the soft thumping of your heart.

- 

“Sakurai-kun?” Sho jumps, his calm heart skyrocketing and thumping away like a scared rabbit, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” It’s Matsumoto, and now Sho’s heart thumps in a different way.

“No it’s fine, what’s up?” Sho snuffs his cigarette out.

“Nothing you seemed tired, so I got worried.” He smiles at Sho and his heart rings so loudly Sho is scared Matsumoto will hear it. Of course, leave it to Matsumoto to be worried about him when it’s Matsumoto who looks so tired lately.

“Just thinking, I’m fine, it’s you who looks tired.” Sho wonders when this began, holding Matsumoto at arm’s length, Matsumoto stretches. Sho redirects his eyes to the faint glow of Tokyo Tower.

Matsumoto used to follow Sho around when they were younger, fawned all over him, declared his love for Sho openly and sincerely but Sho got scared of his own feelings, afraid he’d take advantage. Scared he’d become greedy and demand more than Matsumoto was ready and willing to give so Sho stomped all over his own feelings and in the process, stomped all over Matsumoto’s. Now it was slightly awkward, when the two of them were alone Sho filled the space with work, or conversations about the other three. Anything to end the silence, anything to take time away from Matsumoto asking questions. Anything to keep the familiarity of the past to creep up on him and make him want more than he was allowed. Yet, here on the roof with Matsumoto watching him, a soft smile on his face, Sho didn’t try to make conversation. No, here on the roof on a fair summer night, Sho wanted nothing more than to reach over and touch Matsumoto’s hair. Perhaps even kiss him.

“You’ve lost weight, are you sure you’re okay? If there’s anything I can help you with let me know, I know you’re busy.” Matsumoto says, eyebrows knitting together, so Sho smiles reassuringly.

“I’m fine” he says again, “just haven’t been able to sleep.” Sho stretches and pretends not to notice Matsumoto’s lingering eyes.

-

Sho gasps awake, heart drumming in his chest the last tendrils of a nightmare he will never remember slowly slipping away. Beside him he feels a body stir.

“What time is it?” she whispers, shifting under the sheets to press her skin against Sho’s for warmth. Sho blinks beerily at the alarm clock. 

“3:45.” he sighs, rubbing his hands over his face, he had only slept an hour. He removes himself from the bed picking up his underwear and slipping them on as he moves around the room gathering the rest of his clothes. 

“You don’t have to go, you can stay here.” she says softly. Sho glanced at her pausing only for a breath before continuing to buckle his pants and throwing his shirt over his head. He wasn’t sure when he started coming to Demizu Mai’s apartment. He remembers drinking with Koyama after a terrible week, every story they covered that week tore Sho’s heart to shreds, he remembers patting Koyama’s shoulder as the younger man cried.

“So many dead, Sho-kun so many…..they were _children_.” Sho sniffed alongside him, taking a long drink from his beer. That’s when he saw her, sitting alone at the bar, the sadness in her eyes. Yes, that week had been particularly hard on all of them. 

“I’m sorry, Demizu-san.” he says ignoring the hurt that flits past in her eyes. 

“I don’t understand, why can’t you stay?” she asks, Sho can feel the bitterness rolling off her tongue like faint pinpricks against his skin. She sits up crossing her arms against her bare breasts. “Don’t you love me?” Sho’s eyes flutter shut as a lump grows in his throat. He thought she knew better, that she could see between the lines. No, Sho didn’t love her, Sho _couldn’t_ love her. Not when he was holding onto conflicted feelings that had somehow managed to span decades. Not when on the inside he wished desperately that when he opened his eyes he’d see someone else. Someone else with broader shoulders, defined features and eyes so intense that Sho would need to sit down lest his legs fail him.

 “I’m sorry, Demizu-san.” he says when he opens his eyes, he turns away making his way out of the apartment, ignoring his heavy heart as he pretends not to hear the soft sobs coming from the bedroom.

 -

“I heard you broke another heart, Sakurai-kun.” Miura said as she sat down across from him at the NTV canteen. Sho felt Koyama glance over at him, it was rare for the three of them to be at NTV at the same time and they had even managed to schedule lunch together. Sho had thought this would be a casual lunch full of merriment and good food. Instead he frowns while Miura grins up at him. 

“Who was it this time?” Koyama asks around a bite of his pasta. Sho narrowed his eyes at him as Koyama’s eyes filled with mirth. Why these two were his friends he didn’t know; they bullied him almost as much as Nino did.

“Demi-chan.” Miura said before eating a spoonful of curry, a sound of bliss leaving her almost immediately. Sho smiled at her fondly, his annoyment momentarily forgotten. Miura reacted to food the same way every time, whether there was a camera pointed at her or not and that alone filled Sho’s heart with warmth. Koyama clicked his teeth next to him.

“She’s cute! Why did you break her heart?” Koyama asked, pausing only for a moment before changing the subject to a new dessert cafe he found and talking about how unfair it was that Arashi had a sweets club but he couldn’t make one in NEWS since none of his members particularly enjoyed sugary treats. “Though Shige complains that fans seem to think he hates sweets! But where else would they have gotten that idea? He tends to complain each time we have them.” 

Before they left the canteen to go their separate ways, Koyama squeezed Sho’s shoulder. A moment of solidarity. Sho’s heart warmed, Koyama was truly a gift and he would spend his life thanking the gods for his existence.

“We need to go drinking sometime Sho-kun! I’ll bring Massu!” Sho laughed nodding at him. As if Massu didn’t magically seem to appear in front of Sho at bars whenever he went out for drinks.

- 

“I heard you never called her by her name,” was the first thing Nino said when Sho walked into their dressing room. Sho sighed heavily, dropping his bag on the table.

“She has the same name as my sister,” was the explanation Sho gave, but in truth he never called her by her name because he didn’t feel particularly close to her. Sho knew it made him an asshole, and he knew Nino knew deep down the excuse of his sister was a farce.

“That is weird. I don’t think I could ever be with anyone named Kazue.” He shivered in mock disgust. Sho laughed, the tension leaving his body and Nino chuckled along with him.

“What’s so funny?” Aiba asked as he walked in.

“Do you think you could ever be with someone who shared your brother’s name?” Nino asked, Aiba seemed to think for a moment before he frowned.

“The thought of moaning that particular name in a moment of passion is utterly disgusting. Oh! Is that why you never called her by her name Sho-chan?” Sho shook his head.

“Where is everyone getting their information from? I swear none of you even knew I was intimate with her.” Nino and Aiba exchanged a look and rolled their eyes, Sho resisted the urge to huff at both of them.

“Oh we knew. She kept giving you ‘the look’ also she tried to arrange a date with you once for your birthday.” Aiba said moving his chair closer to Nino’s, Sho furrowed his brows. He had never once spent a birthday with her. 

“But we never….”

“That’s because she tried to ask your schedule through J.” Nino said while fiddling with his phone. “MatsuJun didn’t think it was wise to do a dinner date like she wanted to, she apparently had planned for you two to go to a fancy hotel restaurant in Ginza.”

“Would be too public.” Aiba added, as he leaned over to watch Nino play his game.

“So J said that he wasn’t going to confirm your schedule and to not bother asking anyone else for it, it was private information. If she wanted to know she could ask you herself. My guess is he glared at her, so she was too scared to even ask” Sho nodded, of course Matsumoto would never give out their information. Matsumoto was so fiercely protective of them. The door opened and Ohno shuffled his way sleepily inside. He sat down quietly, offering his greeting before leaning back slightly in his chair. It wasn’t long before his breathing relaxed into soft snores.

The door opened again this time Matsumoto walked in, smiling widely as he placed a fruit plate on the table.

“I present a gift!” he whispered,  his eyes darting to Ohno when the latter shifted in his chair. “How long has he been sleeping?”

“Only a few moments.” Sho whispered back as Matsumoto walked past him to take the chair next to him. Sho pulled his newspaper out of his bag, opening it as Matsumoto shuffled closer to the table, pulling the fruits closer to him. Nino and Aiba had already began eating off the plate and Sho tried not to watch as Matsumoto brought a bright red strawberry to his mouth. Sho suppressed the urge to shiver when Matsumoto’s lips wrapped around the fruit, he only realized he had failed when he noticed Nino was smirking at him. 

“Do you want a strawberry?” Matsumoto asked, holding a strawberry towards Sho, “They’re really yummy.” Sho smiled at him, taking the fruit offered to him before taking a bite. They were really sweet. His eyes fluttered shut as he took in the flavor. He licked his lips and opened his eyes, feeling his blood pressure spike at the look Matsumoto was giving him. There was a knock and the intensity in Matsumoto’s eyes disappeared. Sho would be lying if he said that when he went home that night, he didn’t think about strawberries and Matsumoto’s stare on him as he touched himself, that when he orgasmed he wasn’t thinking about how sweet Matsumoto’s mouth would have tasted.

- 

Sho rolled his shoulders in an effort to alleviate some of the tension. He had to make an appointment to get a massage soon. But first he’d have to check his schedule, see where he could squeeze one in before his entire back became a knot. He sighed.

“That was a long sigh, Sakurai-kun.” Sho opened his eyes to see Matsumoto smiling at him. They had a photoshoot today, just the two of them. Matsumoto was already dressed and Sho faltered. He needed to have a word with the stylists and request they stop putting Matsumoto in such tight pants. Or alternatively, tell Matsumoto he needed to stop whatever workout regime was making his thighs so sinful. 

“Hmmm, my shoulders are really stiff.” Sho murmured closing his eyes again. He rolled his neck, hoping that by some miracle it would pop and he’d get instant relief. He tensed as he felt large hands on his shoulders kneading at the stiff muscle. He peeked at the mirror to see Matsumoto looking down at him, his thumbs boring down into the muscles at the base of his neck. A groan escaped him involuntary as Matsumoto’s thumbs skimmed down further pushing into the knots located in his shoulder blades. Matsumoto’s eyes flicked to him and Sho felt his breath hitch as the younger man leaned down.

“Breathe normally and try to relax.” Matsumoto’s voice was too close to his ear. It was making goosebumps rise on his skin despite how hot Sho suddenly felt. A knock.

“Sakurai-san we’re ready for your wardrobe change.” Sho stood quickly, nearly knocking his shoulders into Matsumoto’s jaw.

“Sorry, and thank you.” He said quickly as he all but dashed out of the room. Way to go Sakurai, Sho thought, now he’s going to think you hate him.

-

Sho closed his eyes as a tabloid was slammed onto the table before him. He didn’t need to see the headline again, nor the pictures, he’d already seen it enough and it was only seven in the morning. The managers were yelling, all intent on damage control. Their infallible posterboy in the midst of a scandal, the _horror_ . Demizu-san’s phone had been hacked, or so was the claim from her agency, but Sho knew better, he knew he shouldn’t have stopped seeing her like that. That he shouldn’t have ignored her messages or calls. He should have talked to her more, made her believe _she_ was leaving _him_ because she deserved better not because he was no longer interested now that there were feelings involved.

“I’m 36 years old, other Johnny’s around my age are getting married, isn’t it fine if we just ignore it?” he found himself saying.

“Are you going to marry her?” a manager demanded. Sho winced, leave it to Kuroda-san to be incredibly blunt. “No, right? You had your fun and you dropped her, we’ve all heard the rumors floating around. We’re incredibly lucky that what was officially leaked were these pictures of you two and few line messages of you trying to get into her pants!”

“I’ll properly apologize, I’ll claim they were drunk messages….or that someone took my phone and pranked messaged her, that we all laughed about it later” Sho sighed dejectedly as Kuroda-san’s glare intensified. Of course he couldn’t go that route, no one would believe it. They weren’t children afterall.

“You _will_ properly apologize, you _will_ state that you and Demizu Mai-san had entered a relationship but that has since _ended_ and that now the two of you are good friends. You _will_ extend your apology to Demizu Mai-san and her agency for causing trouble and for any stress this situation has caused.” Kuroda-san reached in his coat pocket pulling out a pack of cigarettes and placing one between his lips. Sho immediately reached for his own lighter and held the flame out for him. The smell of tobacco wafted through the room and Sho breathed in deeply, wanting nothing more than to light a cigarette of his own.

“Sakurai-kun,” Kuroda-san said after a moment of silence, anger subsided, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Sho asked, a smile on his face. Practiced and perfected after so many years in front of the cameras.

“No, you don’t have to give me that idol smile, and I’m sorry because at the end of the day, regardless of how much of arrogant asshole this makes you seem, you got betrayed by a person close to you.” Kuroda pulled a new cigarette out and handed it to Sho, “Chin-up, kid.” he said, patting him on the shoulder before walking out.

“Oh!” Sho turned his head as he saw Kuroda-san smile widely, “I should have known you guys would have all shown up. It’s almost like I’m a homeroom teacher having to deal with a bunch of brats.” Sho felt the tension around his heart release the second he heard Aiba’s laugh ring out. He didn’t catch the remark Nino made but his voice smoothed the furrow in his brow away. Ohno shuffled in and everything in Sho broke. The bitter tears he’d refused to cry made their way out as Ohno wrapped his arms around him.

“Leader….I’m….. I’m sorry, I should have handled that-” Sho began, trying to stand but Ohno wrapped his arms around him tighter, Sho’s head cradled in his chest.

“It’s okay, Sho-chan, we’re here.”

“Sh-” a pause, “Sakurai-kun.” Matsumoto’s voice sounded close and Sho felt the weight of another person on him, “this isn’t entirely your fault, you don’t have to apologize to us.”

“We’re Arashi afterall.” Nino’s voice warm like a blanket and another weight, and soon he felt another slightly shaking. “Why are you crying?!” Nino shrieked even though his own voice sounded a little watery.

“Because!” Aiba sniffed, “I love us so much!” Sho began to laugh, shaking the weight of his members along until they too began to laugh.

“Though,” Nino said, after they all calmed down and sat down, Sho wiping his face, “You’re still kind of an asshole. Our asshole, of course, and we love you but still an asshole.”

“I’m going to apologize, I just-” Sho’s phone began to buzz, he glanced at it feeling his blood rush to his feet. Demizu Mai flashed on the screen.

-

The lunch was awkward. He sat in a private booth with Demizu-san sitting in front of him, angrily eating a piece of cake.

“Is it because you love someone else?” she said as she set her fork down, reaching for her cafe au lait. Sho looked right at her. She seemed tired, her eyes slightly puffy. The sight hurt Sho to his core, while he wasn’t in love with her and he didn’t feel incredibly close to her, he most definitely didn’t dislike her. He most certainly never wished to hurt her. “Is it Ogawa-san? You had a rumor with her in February.” her eyes narrowed accusingly at him.

“I am not dating Ogawa-san….” Sho said softly, looking down at his cup of tea. He heard the sharp intake of air and it’s shaky release as Demizu-san understood his meaning.

“Of course I’m not the only one, I’m just so stupid.” Sho watched as she bit her lip, tears threatening to spill over.

“I’m sorry, I thought you had understood our arrangement, I am truly sorry.” Sho reached in his pocket pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to her. “I should have talked to you about it more, I should have realized-” _that you had fallen in love with me_. Sho paused, he would never say those words, he didn’t deserve her love. She dabbed her eyes with his handkerchief before handing it back to him.

“No, no it’s fine, I should have realized it, I mean you’re a Johnny’s, an _idol_ , you guys ride women like bicycles after all.” Sho bit his lip to keep himself from saying anything. She was venting, she needed to direct her anger somewhere even if she was wrong about them. “How many girls do you even have? As the _national idol,_ I suppose it must be so easy for you to get women.” Sho shook his head softly. 

“Demizu-san, please, I apologize wholeheartedly for everything. I’m sorry I lead you on, I’m so-” a slam on the table caused him to jump slightly, he glanced at the door nervous that someone would walk in at any moment. He wondered if there was anyone listening, recording their conversation. He wondered how much the vultures would pay for this. 

“How many?” There was a fire in Demizu’s eyes, there was a moment where such heat directed at him would have caused Sho to reach for her, to kiss her lips and pull her onto his lap. A moment where his fingers would have danced across her skin before sinking deep into her heat while she moaned his name and nipped at his ear; fingers curling into his hair with just the right amount of force to cause his hips to stutter upwards. Sho swallowed as he realized that such a moment had passed for both of them. 

“Four, just four.” he answered honestly, she deflated at that, looking at him with tired eyes. 

“Was I your favorite?” she asked. Sho hated seeing her like this, defeated and sad and Sho had never deserved her to cast her eyes towards him. He never should have touched her. 

“Yes.” he lied.

-

“Oh you’re awake, here some water.” Sho blinked slowly, sitting up with a slight groan as the room spun around him. He groaned as his stomach threatened to eject itself out of his body. 

“Oh no! Wait! Don’t throw up on the bed! I just washed the sheets, here!” A trash can was hastily placed in front of him and all that Sho had apparently drank and eaten in the last few hours made its way out. A small hand rubbed circles onto the small of his back, before running back up towards his shoulders. Sho grunted again pushing the trash can away from him slightly.

“Better?” Sho nodded softly, before accepting the water that was handed to him again. He rinsed his mouth lightly, spitting it into the trash before taking a proper drink. He handed the glass back before flopping back down, the sheets smelled sweet.

-

Sho’s head was going to explode, he was certain. He opened his eyes slowly, groaning immediately at how bright the room he was in was. He sat up slowly, his heart hammering away as he realized he didn’t recognize anything in the room. Where was he? He turned to his left: the other side of the bed was empty but the blankets were swirled around as if someone had been laying there at some point. Sho stood up, relieved that he was still dressed, his jeans were popped opened and his belt was removed. He noticed that there was a glass of water and two pills sitting next to it along with his wallet and his watch. Whoever it is that ended up taking care of him last night was a saint.

The door opened slowly as Sho drank the pills, and immediately any lingering tension fizzled out of his body. 

“Shihori-san.” he breathed, smiling widely.

“I have to say, Sho-san, it has been a while since a member of Arashi has shown up at my apartment so drunk they don’t even remember their name.” she said, a smile of her own mirroring his. He stepped closer, wrapping his arms around her.

“It’s because we all learned to take care of ourselves and stopped needing our older sister.”

“I would like to remind you, I am actually younger than you, you giant oaf.” Sho laughed lightly, “Now get off, you smell like a bar. There’s a toothbrush in the bathroom for you and a change of clothes. I also called Masaki so he should be here soon. We can all have breakfast together.” Sho nodded at her as he made his way into the bathroom. He would have to buy her a new bag, maybe Keiko-san would have a suggestion for him.

When Sho came out of the bathroom, he could hear Aiba’s breathy laugh as Kanjiya told him about how Sho had ended up at her apartment. 

“He was so drunk, he just kept saying he needed to use my bathroom and that he would leave soon, and so I kept trying to ask him how he got here, and he just said a nice old man drove him here, so I raced downstairs and he was sitting next to the call box while a taxi driver was trying to shake him awake.”

“No!” Aiba remarked. Sho hung his head in shame, how drunk did he let himself get last night? 

“Yes! So I had to apologize profusely, and tipped him triple the amount of the cab! He just kept assuring me that he wouldn’t tell anyone, since he was a fan of Sho-san, so I thanked him heavily on your behalf.” Sho padded into the kitchen.

“Please tell me you didn’t pay him out of your pocket.” Sho said sullenly, sitting next to Aiba who poured him a cup of coffee and set it next to him. He patted Aiba’s arm softly, lifting the cup to his mouth.

“Of course I didn’t! I took your wallet and paid him with your money. Anyway, once I got him to stand up and come with me, I got him into bed and he immediately fell asleep.”

“He didn’t throw up all over the place this time right?”

“That was one time!” Sho moaned, accepting the bowl of miso soup Shihori was handing him.

“He got close! But I was quick and got a trash can to him. Anyway, after I took care of that I came back to get him to change into something comfortable but the second I got to his pants he started freaking out, so I just popped his pants open and threw a blanket on him.” Sho tensed, glad that Shihori was still chatting aimlessly about how the night went and had her back to them. Aiba winced and gave him a knowing look.

‘Do you still have the nightmares?’ he mouthed, and Sho knew better than to lie to him. Aiba could see right through all of them anyway.

Sho nodded.

 -

Sho had been 21, stressed out and needing some relief so he went drinking.

He ran into a senpai from university, his senpai was kind and everyone liked him.

His senpai promised him a good time, to show him a bar where drinks were good, cheap, and most importantly, private.

He wasn’t sure if it was because of his inexperience with drinking or if his senpai had slipped something stronger in his drink.

Sho doesn’t like to think about it.

-

Aiba and Sho made their way out of Kanjiya’s apartment and into the warm Sunday morning. Sho follows Aiba as they quietly make their way to Aiba’s car. Sho feels a little lighter than he has felt in days, he closes his eyes briefly enjoying the sun on his face.

“It was good seeing Shi-chan again.” Aiba says once they’re done buckling up, “I missed her.” he says with a rueful smile. Sho returns the smile softly.

“How’s Shimura-san doing these days?” he says instead of “ _I don’t know why you two broke up, when you’re both still in love with each other_.” It’s not his place and out of all of them, he has less of a right to say such a thing. Aiba smiles brightly and Sho wonders if the gods meant to give the sun to this boy’s smile. Sho listens contently as Aiba tells him about Shimura’s jokes on set, about how he went and had a nice dinner with him, and how Shimura was wearing a very interesting hat. Sho asked about the animals and Aiba mentioned how Inoo had fallen in love with a kitten but couldn’t take him home.

“Why?” Sho asked, thinking about how much Inoo loved cats.

“Well because Yaotome-kun is scared of them y’know.” Aiba says like Sho should know that’s obviously the reason why Inoo can’t have a cat his apartment. Sho frowns, confused.

“What does that have to do with anything? Does Yaotome-kun live with Inoo-kun?”

“Oh, you don’t know? I mean they are incredibly professional at work so I can see how you didn’t notice.”

“Didn’t notice what?” Sho asks, turning to look at Aiba’s face fully. Aiba slows down to stop at a red light, turning to look at Sho, his eyes bright and his smile secretive.

“Well they’re y’know, like _that_ ,” Aiba says before turning to look back at the road in front of him and Sho’s heart speeds up. He knew logically he couldn’t be the only one in the agency that had such inclinations, but he never considered that others would act upon them. “They’re actually quite adorable. I’m proud of them.” Sho hummed thoughtfully, he was proud of them too. For not being cowards like Sho was.

“Y’know, we would all be okay with it, if you ever decided to do anything about it.”

“What?” Sho’s heart began to hammer in his chest faster. He picked at a loose string on the hem of his shirt.

“Well, take your time Sho-chan, but it’s been years. One day, he’s not gonna be there anymore.” Sho gulped, sneaking a glance at Aiba, who was looking straight at him. He turned his head to look out the window quickly, mentally cursing himself for acting so suspicious. Aiba wheezed out a small laugh, easing off the brake and onto the gas as the light turned green.

“I know he’s not, I don’t-” _deserve him_ “want to do anything about it. It’s fine, I don’t like him like that...” Sho pauses, “I don’t even like men.”

“Sure, Sho-chan, whatever you say, I’ve got your back.” Sho knows Aiba doesn’t believe him, he knows better than to lie to Aiba, especially when he’s painfully aware that while everyone else writes him off as an idiot, Aiba is actually the most observant one in Arashi. He’s Nino’s best friend after all. Aiba sees right through all of them.

Sho ignores the heavy weight in his chest.

-

“Hey, Nii-san,” Sho says softly, eyes trained straight towards the sky, Ohno hums next to him. Sho had asked him to come up to the roof with him as they finished for the night. “If I told you I thought about men sometimes, like I think about women, would you-” Sho’s throat feels thick, like he swallowed a bunch of syrup. He’s never had to come out before, the thought terrifies him. He knows partly, its due to a social construct. He knows deep down that Arashi will stand next to him no matter what. He knows, he _knows_ , but still it terrifies him because what if, _what if_ they won’t stand with him for _this_.

_We would all be okay with it_

_I’ve got your back_

Aiba’s words linger in the back of his head, but still that’s Aiba. Aiba who cries with everyone, Aiba who cherishes them so much, Aiba who accepts and loves everyone. Aiba who was Nino’s first kiss, who kissed Matsumoto while they both cried. Aiba who called Sho crying when he had gone home that night to apologize, while Sho desperately tried to convince him that it was fine because it had nothing to do with Sho even though Sho’s heart was shattering. It makes sense for Aiba to support him but what if the rest of them didn’t what if-

“You’re thinking too hard Sho-chan, I can hear you from here. I think, _if_ you told me that I would give you a hug, I think _if_ you told me that I would tell you I love you, I think _if_ you told me that I would tell you that I’m so proud of you, I think _if_ you told me that it wouldn’t change a single thing, I am still here, we are here, Arashi will always be here for you.” Sho has done an awful lot of crying lately, he thinks, as fat tears roll down his cheeks. Ohno reaches over, wrapping an arm around Sho’s waist, another around his head as he cradles him close to his chest. Sho feels as his leader presses a kiss to the top of his head. Sho turns fully then, wrapping himself tightly around Ohno and cries big, ugly sobs. They make his throat raw as they wreck through him.

“Leader, I’m bisexual.” he whispers wetly into Ohno’s shoulder. Ohno runs his hands though Sho’s hair, fingers carding through in a soothing motion.

“Sho-chan, I love you, I’m proud of you, this doesn’t change anything, you’re still Sho-chan.” Sho has never felt more centered.

“I wanna tell the rest of them.” He says pulling his face from where he had hidden it. His throat is still thick but the tears have stopped. Ohno hands him a handkerchief.

“Okay, I’ll call them. Nino said they hadn’t left.” Ohno says as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. He’s keeping an arm around Sho and Sho leans further into him. “Hello? Nino? Yes, could you guys come to the roof, also can you bring Sho-chan some water, and perhaps some warm tea? Yeah no he’s fine, but it wouldn’t hurt.” 

It’s only a few moments later when the door to the roof bursts open and the Kaze trio try not to trip over themselves. They all have worried looks and the three of them have 5 different types of tea between them and a bottle of water. Sho snorts, and Ohno chuckles. They rush towards him, hands thrust forward, he grabs the rose tea from Matsumoto’s hand and pops the can open taking a long drink, as the three of them shuffle to sit around him.

“So, I have news.” Sho starts, his chest warm from the tea, he lets out a small breath, “I’m bisexual, and I think it’s time I start living my truth. I don’t think I’ll come out to the public, and I’m still scared of…” he can feel his heart begin to race, banging painfully against his rib cage. 

_His senpai was kind and everyone liked him_.

He jumps as a hand lands on his knee. It’s Matsumoto, and Sho stares at his hand, focusing instead on it, when did it become so large? He remembers holding hands with him when they were younger, his hand had been so small and delicate then. Sho wonders idly if their hands would still fit together. 

“He’s not here anymore, Sho-chan, he’s not here anymore. We would never let him near you again.” Nino says, and Sho smiles at the conviction in his voice. Of course not. Arashi would never, no not Arashi, these men, his friends would never let anyone hurt him.

“I know, I know. Thank you.” Sho takes a small breath, “Anyway, that’s my news, it took me 36 years to admit it to myself, but I don’t wanna run from it anymore. I want to be free.”

“This doesn’t change anything Sho-chan, we love you.” Aiba says, and true to his fashion already has tears running down his face, Sho laughs and pulls Aiba towards him, arms wrapping around him tightly, tears of his own spilling. They spend the rest of the night sitting on the roof, laughing and talking. Sho has never felt so loved.

-

For the first time in what feels like centuries Sho falls asleep peacefully without needing to drink or tire himself out. 

For the first time in what feels like centuries Sho doesn’t have any nightmares.

-

“So, when are you gonna admit to the other thing?” Nino asks when they're alone in the dressing room for Shiyagare. Sho admittedly chokes on his drink.

“What other thing?” Sho asks, and he tries not to frown at Nino’s eye roll.

“Y’know, you being in love with Jun-kun.” Sho makes a sound he didn’t know he could make.

“I’m not in love with Matsumoto-kun!” he hisses, eyes darting wildly around as if to confirm that they are indeed alone. Nino sighs and sets his phone down.

“Okay, if you say so, but you gotta know, you’re not exactly subtle.” Sho makes a different noise he didn’t think he was capable of making before reaching over to push his hands against Nino’s mouth.

“I’m subtle!” he all but screeches before he feels his entire face blush, the room is suddenly too hot, Nino looks amused. “I’m also not in love with him.” he proclaims as the door opens.

“In love with who?” Sho feels his soul enter an astral plane, ah everything there is so peaceful. He can see cute bunnies and puppies frolocking in the fields he definitely can’t see the manic glee that is threatening to split Nino’s face in half. He most definitely didn’t hear Matsumoto ask who he was in love with nope, no siree! Such an event never took place because Sho no longer exists in that room. “Sakurai-kun…?”

“Kill me.” he says instead as Nino begins to full belly laugh.

“What?” Matsumoto-kun’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. Sho slumps back into his chair, turning to look at Matsumoto. He’s dressed in a tight grey shirt, a white dress shirt opened over it, his pants are black and hugging his thighs in such a way that they’re entirely the reason why Sho even looks at men.

“Sho has a crush on Commander Amarao.” Sho makes a sound that he thinks a dying whale would make. Nino is laughing so hard again he's soundless, tears are leaking out of his crinkled eyes.

“From Furi-Kuri?” Matsumoto says setting his stuff down, his voice is clearly amused.

“Seriously, please kill me.” Sho looks right back to where his soul ascended to, ah puppies, they’re cute.

-

Sho sees Demizu-san before she sees him, which is before he’s able to correct his course to avoid talking to her.

“Sakurai-san!” she says cheerfully and Sho looks at her, his smile perfected from so many years in front of the cameras shining brightly at her.

“Demizu-san! It’s been a long time, how are you?”

“Good, great actually, the best I’ve been a long time, and you?” 

“I’m so glad.” Sho says, because he is, she looks good, there’s a glow to her again. “I’ve been doing well. Been really busy.”

“Of course, I’d imagine the _national idol_ would be in demand.” Sho wonders briefly if the phrase will ever not sound like an insult coming out of her lips. Instead, he chuckles good naturedly at her but before he can open his mouth to say anything else, there’s an arm slotting itself around his shoulders.

“Sakurai-kun there you are, I was looking for you, I saw a shirt-oh, hello Demizu-san, how are you?” Matsumoto’s voice is light, but the his grip on Sho’s shoulder is anything but.

“Oh I’m doing very we-”

“Well, that’s good, you’ll have to excuse us, we’re very busy today you see.” Matsumoto’s voice is still light, “additionally, did you up your phone security? It would be a shame if it got _hacked_ again.” Sho sees Demizu’s professional smile falter just a bit but it never slips all the way off. Sho let’s Matsumoto spin them around and walk away before entering a store at random.

“She didn’t say anything bad to you, did she?” Matsumoto asks as he browses through some of the jackets on the rack.

“No, she didn’t. She was talking about how good her life is now.”

“Well that is certainly good. She’s a good announcer, it would be terrible if she got stuck on this and her career faltered.” Matsumoto pulls a jacket off the rack and holds up to Sho’s frame. He clicks his tongue and puts it back, before pulling a different jacket and doing the same thing, he smiles at this one and pushing it onto Sho’s chest until Sho grabs it and holds onto it.

“Yeah, I just want her to be happy, I didn’t mean to hurt her.” Sho says following Matsumoto as he moves further into the store, Matsumoto grabs some pants and hands them to Sho as well.

“I know, you never really mean to hurt anyone.” Matsumoto looks at him, something Sho can’t really place is dwelling in his eyes before he spins around and starts looking at shirts. Sho ducks his head, looking instead to the pants Matsumoto handed him.

“These aren’t your size.” Sho says, moving to place them back to trade them out.

“I know. They’re yours.”

That night, when Sho gets back from one very good dinner at an Italian place he had never even heard of, with two bags of clothes, he pulls his phone out and waits for it to connect.

“Okay I give.” he says, even though the person on the other end hasn’t even said hello yet. Sho can hear boss battle music coming through. “I’m in love with Matsumoto Jun, and I think he took me on a date tonight.” there's a loud clattering after.

“Where are you?”

“My room.”

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes! Hey, Ayako, you owe me 5,000 yen!” Sho laughs as the line disconnects. 

Nino does indeed show up in ten minutes, a bottle of wine in his arms and a very excited smile on his face.

“Tell me everything! Sakurai Sho you just made me an even richer man!” he says as he hugs Sho tight.

“How many people did you bet with?”

“Oh, so many.” Nino says dragging Sho towards his couch. “Now, tell me _everything_.”

- 

Sho figures it would be even more awkward around Matsumoto now that he’s out in the open with his feelings, well not completely, he’s only told Nino. Nino however, told Sho that him and Aiba had been talking about it for years since even before the debut. Yet, it’s so much easier now, it’s like the air around him isn’t so heavy. Perhaps it was never heavy, perhaps it was only ever awkward because Sho made it awkward.

“Thank you for the outfits,” Sho says, speeding up to match Matsumoto’s pace as they walk through the halls at TBS, “My mom says you have a good eye, and that I should let you dress me more often.” Sho chuckles as he remembers his mother complimenting him profusely and remarking that after so many years he finally learned how to dress himself, only for Sho to ruin the illusion by saying that no, Matsumoto had picked the clothes out for him.

_“Of course he did! That boy has always been fashionable, you should learn a thing or two from him Nii-chan, you wear so much camo.” she had chided, “now go set the table with Mai, Shu will be here any moment, we are having a long awaited family dinner, and don’t you and Mai eat all the clams this time!”_

“Any time, Sakurai-kun, any time, all you have to do is call me.” Matsumoto smiles softly at him, and Sho is once again floored at how beautiful Matsumoto has grown up to be. Sho bumps his shoulder against him, wishing he could be a little more brave a little more forward, that he could reach over and open the upcoming door and shove them inside. To familiarize himself with Matsumoto’s mouth, would his lips feel as soft as they looked, would he bite and take control or would be melt softly against Sho’s mouth like rich chocolate? Would he taste as sweet as those strawberries they ate so many months ago? The moment passes as Arata Mackenyu spots them and rushes towards Matsumoto, he all but flings himself at him arms wrapping tight around his shoulders as Matsumoto laughs and wraps his own arms around Arata’s waist.

Sho excuses himself as Matsumoto and Arata launch into their conversation, catching up even though they had seen each other a few days prior, he has a Line message from Massu showing Matsumoto and Arata at some bar and Massu asking if he’d like to join them. Sho had ignored the notification, opting instead to opening it hours later pretending that he hadn’t seen it. 

Nino pats his shoulder lightly, before leaning closer, “I am pretty positive that they’re only friends, Macken is really young.” Sho knows that, he knows Arata is only 21 years old.

“But he’s so beautiful.” he mumbles instead, feeling suddenly way too old and not attractive, Ohno bumps into his side, his elbow digging slightly into the space under his ribcage.

“Sho-chan have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? You’re the most beautiful man I have ever seen and we work with incredibly beautiful people.”

 “Who’s beautiful?” Aiba asks, bouncing into step with them.

“Sho-chan.”

“Oh, yep most definitely, Sho-chan is the reason I’m attracted to men.” Sho flushes, Nino narrows his eyes.

“I thought I was the reason you were attracted to men? I thought that was the whole premise of you kissing me that first time? You just wanted to see if it was love or whatever and that's why I let you kiss me.” Nino accentuates each question with soft little punches and Aiba laughs, moving away while pulling Sho in front of him like a shield. Sho squawks in indignation, shouts something about betrayal between his laughs, as he catches Nino’s fists easily.

-

When Sho walks into the studio the next morning, Matsumoto is already there, a drink carrier full of coffees placed in the middle of the table. Matsumoto is glaring at his phone, a cup of coffee gripped tightly in his left hand, he hasn’t even taken his sunglasses off. Sho smiles good naturedly at him.

“Good morning.” he says softly, Matsumoto grunts in response, taking a long drink from his cup. Sho’s smile doesn’t falter, they’ve all gotten used to Matsumoto’s terrible ire at having to be at work at 6 in the morning. Sho grabs one of the coffees and moves to sit next to Matsumoto on the couch he pulls his own phone out to begin his morning ritual of double checking his schedule, and then coordinating with the managers to get his members schedules sent to him as well.

“I didn’t sleep last night.” Matsumoto says softly, setting his cup down on the table next to the couch, “I’m so damn tired.”

“I know my shoulders are slippery but they are there if you want to-” Sho doesn’t even finish his sentence as Matsumoto lays down, his head resting not on his shoulder but on his legs.

“Wake me up when it’s time to function.” he mumbles, slipping both his hat and glasses off his head, and nuzzling against Sho’s thigh. Sho immediately tries to think of all of the terrible, unsexy things he can muster because if Matsumoto moves his head any further he’s gonna have a hard time explaining why he’s hard.

Sho wakes up sometime later, he feels something soft on his fingers and heavy warmth on his legs, he hears muted conversations and Nino apologizing and asking if they could just have a few more minutes. Sho looks down fully intent on waking Matsumoto up because it is now time to function. They’re at work they shouldn’t be napping in the recording studio for heaven’s sake they have stuff to do, but as his eyes focus on Matsumoto he can’t bring himself to wake him up right away. He’s not sure when he had moved his hand into the younger man’s hair, but he finds himself marveling how soft the locks are, and so with a heavy heart he moves his hand onto Matsumoto’s shoulder and gently shakes him awake. Effectively breaking the spell that made Matsumoto look so young and soft.

They get through the rest of their studio day with relative ease, but any time him and Matsumoto make eye contact Sho feels his face flush. He hasn't felt this intense since he was a teenager.

-

“You are going to have to tell him.” Massu says matter of factly, before he pops a gyoza in his mouth. “Otherwise, it’s just gonna eat you alive Sho-san.” Sho moans head thumping down softly on the table.

“But I don't want to tell him, how gross would it be, a 36 year old man confessing his feelings like some school girl.” He lifts his head, bringing his beer to his lips and taking a long drink. “Wouldn’t that be gross?”

“Sho-san, if you confessed to me, I would be so ecstatic. Seriously my heart would explode. I’d be so happy, so no, no it wouldn’t be gross.” Massu says his face sincere, but Sho narrowed his eyes anyway.

“You don’t even like men.”

“Correct!” Massu says smiling fully and Sho sighs, Massu was another boy with the sun trapped in his smile, it really was so unfair. “But that was not the point, Sho-san, the point was if you confess your feelings to MatsuJun he wouldn’t be grossed out, he would probably be really happy about it.”

“How do you even know that, how can you be so sure.” 

“Sho-san, you really have no idea how he looks at you do you?” Massu’s smile seemed a little dimmer, the sun behind a cloud.

No, Sho had no idea how Matsumoto looked at him, he had actively been avoiding eye contact for years. Willfully avoiding any sort of interest that Matsumoto may have shown him. What if Sho got greedy, what if he wanted more than Matsumoto would give? Sho wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he pushed Matsumoto into something they wouldn’t able to turn away from, what if Sho hurt him, and in turn hurt Arashi? Sho wouldn’t be able to live with himself if it came down to that. 

Sho brought his glass to his lips again. Hadn’t he decided to live his truth this year? Hadn’t he already decided that he yearned deeply to be able to tell Matsumoto, wasn’t that why he had spoken his feelings out loud for the first time not in denial of them but in reverence to not only Nino but now Massu, both of who he knew would encourage him to confess?

“I’m going to tell him.” Sho says suddenly, and Massu’s face lights up. 

“Excuse me!” he called to their server, “Please bring me your most expensive bottle of sake,” the girl nodded and made her way towards the bar, “Sho-san, we must celebrate! I don’t think you realize how long some of us have been waiting for you to get your head out of your ass.” Sho laughed, shocked at how brazenly Massu had spoken to him. 

“Oi, I’m your senpai you know!” he says in a stern voice, but he figures that the smile on his face did little to sell the effect. 

-

The roof was getting a little too cold at night to be able to stand out there comfortably for long. Sho could see his breath trailing out like wisps of smoke, with a small sigh he reached into his pocket pulling out the pack only to find that it was empty. With a small click of his tongue he crushed the pack back into his pocket. 

He focused instead on the sea of cars rushing by below, smiling slightly at the white vans moving away from the agency, splitting off in all directions as his fellow Johnny’s were taken back to the warmth and safety of their homes. He should head down soon, get in his appointed van, and make it back to his own room. Back to the stillness and coolness despite him having the heater on. Back to an empty home and even emptier sheets.

He heard the door open, and then a sharp intake of breath.

“It’s getting so cool up here, Sakurai-kun I know I say this every year but you either need to quit smoking or find a new place to do it, you’re going to get sick.” Sho smiles at Matsumoto’s voice as he gets closer, “here some tea.” he turns to look at him, Matsumoto is holding out a can of rose tea, which Sho takes. Matsumoto crosses his arms bringing his jacket tighter around his frame as his cheeks start to flush from the cold.

“I love you.” the words slip out easy as breathing. For a second, Sho didn’t think he said it outloud. He thought, perhaps he had only said the words in his head as he had been for decades if he was being perfectly honest, but it was Matsumoto’s reaction that made everything in him come to a screeching halt.

Matsumoto’s eyes were wide, the faint flush now full blown. His mouth opened slightly as the words seemed to click in the air around them. Sho gulped, his own face flushing. He turned to face Matsumoto fully, lifting his hand to rub his nose before letting out a slow breath.

“Matsumoto Jun, I love you. I have loved you since I was 17, maybe even before that, I am sorry I’m dumb and slow and that I don’t know how to time these things correctly, and I’m not looking for a response you can pretend I never said it if you want but I just needed to tell you that I lo-”

Arms were wrapping tightly around his neck he had to take a step back so that he wouldn’t topple over with the sudden weight in his arms, the can of tea was dropped in favor of gripping onto the body in front of him. Matsumoto’s lips were soft Sho noted, as soon as the initial flare of pain of them knocking against his passed.

It wasn’t like a shoujo manga, his heart didn’t explode the heavens didn’t open up nor did the world stop around them. Matsumoto’s hand lifted to tangle in his hair as he angled his mouth to better slot over his, the kiss deepening immediately. Sho licked tentatively at Matsumoto’s bottom lip and was rewarded with a gasp and slick heat as Matsumoto’s mouth parted for him. Sho groaned pulling Matsumoto closer, their bodies warm and only getting warmer, Sho’s hand moved up and Matsumoto’s back down his arms squeezing biceps before going back down towards his hips to pull him against himself, the shock of friction causing Matsumoto to bite down on the plumpness of Sho’s bottom lip.

“I’ve been waiting you idiot, I’ve been waiting this whole time.” Matsumoto breathed into the space between their lips, hands tightening in Sho’s hair. “You kept breaking my heart.” Matsumoto bit down on Sho’s bottom lip harder this time.

“I know I’m sorry,” Sho gasped back, hips snapping forward slightly. “I love you.”

“Come home with me,” Matsumoto asked, as he rutted against Sho, they were men in their 30s and yet one single kiss was causing them to move against each other like teenagers.

“Okay, okay.”

- 

The drive to Matsumoto’s was maddening, they refused to look at each other and Matsumoto kept making small talk with their driver, Sho’s heart was thundering. He jumped slightly as Matsumoto’s hand found its way onto his thigh. His long fingers kneading the muscles there, before gently moving upwards. Sho bit his lip and turned to look out the window. Matsumoto Jun was going to be the end of him and they hadn’t even done anything. 

Sho followed Matsumoto into his apartment, toeing off his shoes and neatly setting them aside.

“I’ll take your jacket?” Matsumoto stood hands outstretched, nervous Sho noted, Matsumoto was nervous and looking at Sho’s right shoulder instead of his face. Sho quickly took the jacket off and handed it off before walking towards the couch sitting stiffly at the edge of it while Matsumoto draped his jacket over the side of a chair, his own following it quickly.

“Matsumoto.” Sho tried getting Matsumoto look at him, the younger man just turned away, looking towards his kitchen. 

“Would you like some water?” Matsumoto said instead. 

“Matsumo-”

“Or I think I have some juice if you-” Matsumoto was already walking towards the kitchen talking about what different types of juice he had, or would Sho prefer something alcoholic, Matsumoto thought he may have some whiskey left over from when they did the Arashi-kai back in March.

“Jun.” Sho stood this time, crossing the space, and bringing his hands to Matsumoto’s waist, “Jun, I don’t want anything to drink.” He kissed Matsumoto’s nape, “I just want you.” 

-

Sho’s eyes fluttered open as he felt the covers shift, the bed creaked and then he heard Jun’s soft foot falls as the he walked away from the bed. A smile worked its way onto Sho’s face, he rolled eyes focusing on the clock, 3:45 glared back at him. They had only been asleep an hour. Sho heard the toilet flush, then the sink run, then a door opened and Jun’s footsteps started heading back.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Jun’s voice was soft, he crawled back into bed, his arms wrapping around Sho’s waist effectively becoming the big spoon. Sho melted back against him.

“It’s fine, but if you wanna make it up to me, I think I can go another round.” Sho said, wiggling his butt against Jun, skin flushing as their bare skin rubbed against each other. Jun laughed lightly, his hips rolling fingers tightening on Sho’s hips. His lips trailing slow kisses from Sho’s shoulder and up his neck, Sho gasped pushing harder against Jun.

“You know,” Sho panted as Jun’s hand skimmed down his navel, Jun hummed in acknowledgement, “I thought I would have had a harder time, I thought that no matter how much I wanted it I was going to be scared,” Jun’s hand paused and Sho had to bite back a whine, Jun’s hand was so close to where he wanted it.

“Sho,” Jun breathed and moved so he could hover above him, Sho reached up and pulled him down kissing him sweetly.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-

“You two are idiots.” Nino whined as Aiba distracted the make up artists from coming into the room, while Ohno applied cover up on Sho’s neck. “Seriously, what part of we’re idols did you forget?”

“We were a bit enthusiastic.” Jun said softly applying makeup to his own neck.

“Shit, I think Aiba ran out of excuses, Leader please say you’re done.” Nino said glancing back into the room, “They’re coming back!”

“I’m done, I don’t think you can see the hickeys anymore.”

“Hickeys! Not only is one a terrible idea, you did multiple!” Nino crashed on the couch, only sitting up enough for Ohno sit down next to him before laying down and pulling his phone out, soon game music filled the room. Sho caught Jun’s eye, face flushing as Jun leaned to sneak a kiss before standing and making his way to the other couch, pulling a book out of his bag and Sho leaned forward eyes focusing on the newspaper on his lap. Aiba entered the room, walking right over to Sho as always to talk to him out of reading the newspaper and into eating snacks the nice cleaning lady had given him. 

-

You light the cigarette, breathing in slowly, wondering when exactly you picked it up. Surely you had before twenty and look at you now 36 years old and standing on the roof shivering as the light snow made its way down. The year was ending, soon you wouldn’t have time to even breathe let alone sneak onto the roof to smoke before heading down to get into one of the white vans that would take you home. Your phone buzzes, slowly you reach for it, smiling as the name blinks up at you.

_Matsumoto Jun_  

“Hello?” 

“Are you on the roof?” your heart picks up just a little bit at his voice.

“Yeah, are you ready to go?” you smile as he starts berating you about your smoking habit, about standing on the roof when it’s snowing, about how you should really start looking after yourself.

“You’re nearly forty!” and ouch that hurts a little but you just laugh.

“You are literally one year younger than me, I’m almost done, and then you can take care of me.” you pause, a small smirk on your lips, “you know really warm me up.”

“You have 5 minutes, or I’m leaving you here.” you laugh again, knowing full well he will actually just leave you.

You take one last puff. Putting the cigarette out, and on your way back inside to the warmness of the office you shove the whole pack in the trash can.

You don't need the replacement, not anymore, not when every dream you had at 20 years old is coming true.

“I’m coming down now, are you still waiting for me?” you ask into the phone as you go down the stairs two at time, the elevator dings and Jun is standing there, a can of rose tea in his hand.

“Of course I am, now hurry up.”

You smile, your heart has never been so full.


End file.
